Reflections

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February 7th OFFERING SUPPORT TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Last week, I completed a Pet Loss Companioning course at the Center for Loss here in Fort Collins, CO. There were around 14 people in attendance ranging in disciplines from hospice workers, crematory owners, and pet loss support group facilitators. The topics included anticipatory grief, euthanasia, rituals and memorialzation, and child grief. The take home message I would like to share with you is this:

Allow them to openly mourn and work through their grief and that this grief never truly leaves us.
You do not need to fix someone's grief. Most of the time silence and listening are the best methods of support.
Try to understand, even if you don't agree, that their pet loss may be the hardest loss they've ever had.....worse than the loss of a spouse or parent.
We should be open to offering ritual and memorialzation time, i.e. a viewing of the body, anniversary remembrance, and much more.
Mourners will continue to experience 'Griefbursts' throughout the rest of their lives...little triggers that remind us of what we have lost.
Anticipatory grief, the waiting period before the death, can be just as overwhelming as the abscence of the pet after death.

I would like to speak more about anticipatory grief since this is what we see every day. When a family calls us, we know that barring an acute trauma, the family has been dreading making contact with us for a very long time. People often say that they have had our card or ad by the phone for weeks to months before gathering the courage to call. That call means the palpable beginning of the end. They have been anticipating the loss of their pet from the time they saw that first gray hair or the moment an illness made itself known. And the questions....When will I know it's the right time? Is she going to give me that sign that says the pain is too much? Why won't he just pass in his sleep? How will I continue on once they're gone from my life? Anticipatory grief can be overwhelming and actually be harmful for the pet in question when a family chooses to ignore the obvious in an effort to delay their mourning. I often remind my families that the only way to end the pet's suffering is to make our suffering begin. Finding the strengh to reach outside themselves and look for help during this anticipatory time should be commended. This help comes in the form of learning everything you can about the pet's medical condition, preparing for end-of-life care, and making arrangements for not only the passing itself but for the aftercare such as cremation or burial. Being prepared will make the time less stressful, but certainly not deminish the grief and sadness. If you are within this anticipatory time yourself, my thoughts are with you. My own dog of 13 years died in January and I worried about her everyday up until her death. This time is meant to be hard and we cannot avoid it. In fact, we must embrace it.

April 10th HELPING TWO OR MORE PETS TOGETHER

Every once and awhile, a family will request that two animals be helped together. They are often concerned about how the other pet will do in the absence of their friend, and so decide to say goodbye to them at the same time. My position on this is that it is whatever the family feels is best for their pets. I have done this for families many times over the past few years and feel very comfortable with it. The most common scenario is helping litter mates together. They have been together their entire lives and now they are both elderly, but one is a little worse than the other and is forcing the family to make a decision. The family knows that other one will be completely lost without their sibling and doesn't want to put them through the grief. Grief often leads to sickness and subsequent euthanasia in the near future anyway, so families will choose to help them at the same time. Another common situation is two housemates that have been together for a long time, such as a elderly cat and dog. They can form an incredibly strong bond and they family wants to help them transition into death together.

If you choose to do something like this, the only difference from a single euthanasia is the timing of the pet's passing. You as a family will need to decide if you want us to help one first, then the other, or do you want them to pass at exactly the same time. Some families want to focus their full attention with one before helping the second one. We can accommodate anyway you need. Of course, helping two pets together can lead to double the sadness for the family. Keep this in mind and be sure you are ready for this level of loss.

November 5th HAVING KIDS PRESENT

Many families ask me if kids should be present for euthanasia. Will they be scared? Will they have negative effects from witnessing death? Should they see our emotions?

I personally feel that kids do wonderful when allowed to be present. They ask questions, they see how peaceful it can be, and they learn how to grieve openly for their friend. Some kids really open up and cry, even sob, which I think if very healthy and important. Alot of children have grown up with the pet in question and want to be there to say goodbye. They may have never known life without them. When I was 10 years old, our Great Dane was hit by a car and broke her back. My dad took her to the emergency clinic where they euthanized her. To this day, I wonder what her final moments were like....Was she scared? Did things go easy for her? Kids tend to have over active imaginations and having them present can help keep things balanced.

If you choose to keep the kids away, there are some good ways to help them into the mourning process. I have seen some families release ballons into the sky as a way of symbalizing the release of the spirit. Some families put together scrap books, make up songs about their friend, draw pictures, etc. If you are keeping the ashes following cremation and plan to bury them, you can have a ceremony with the whole family.

The important thing with children is to allow them to grieve, and acknowledge that this may be harder on them than you might realize. The loss of a pet is often their first experience with death and it is up to the family to make it a good, healthy experience. Be honest with them regarding what is happening and avoid confusing phrases like "Going to Sleep". Many a child has lost sleep themselves over this phrase.